False Sense

Open my legs to a false sense of love
To allow myself that moment of pleasure that would last me only for a little while
Senseless thinking led me into the possibility of having him in a more permanent way
But deeply knowing I'd be the one settling for something I naturally knew I didn't need
Or rather yet, something I knew I didn't ultimately desire, not with him
Not for the long time I wanted to spend my life and be happy with

Open my legs to a false sense of love
Thinking it and he would be something I could ultimately change because I wanted him
I wanted him to be for me knowing he wasn't, I still ignored all the obvious things
That would initially tell me to walk away
I wanted to be happy and I knew I was good enough for that
That was something anyone deserved... To be happy

Having him leave my body, I crawled into the smallest uncomfortable corner
Because after all, the love was false and my legs had remained open to that
Stupid me, so emotionally drained now from not having the real thing
Drained for trying to piece something together that wasn't supposed to be
But that was then, I'm a grown woman now and now know the difference

The Return for Heart's Sake

It's been a while now since I've expressed myself into words
Struggled with finding the right combination of nouns, verbs, pauses and phrases
To give myself to you, my dear reader during what became the most
exhilarating, disheartening, happy yet fear filled, tear filled growing experience of my life
My thoughts became muddy with uncertainty in how to translate what I wanted to say
But here I am coming to you again, coming back to what I knew best
Listening to myself, listening to the words, gathering emotions from my experience
And returning here, to this "bed, blanket and pillow" to conguer this thoughts
Work my way through the muck, the tears and happy moments that reside somewhere close
So here it is, the return of those words we read together and over again
To help gather and retain a bit of understanding and clarification
For heart sake's sake

the task

it seems like such a difficult task at times

the question is... do i know how to love

i feel at times i do, i feel like I know how

but damn if i don't question myself

i let down my guard and let love fall in so deeply

i give and i give and give some more

you became the man of my dreams

a man i would fight anyone for

it was me and you

did i ever love you right

was it ever ever enough for you

so this is where i began asking

if i knew how to love someone

after all, i'm the one with the crooked dynamic

the black sheep from every which angle

Sucks So Bad

did not realize how much it sucks being alone

wanting and desiring a type of love that once was

leads me into nights like this when i feel i'm causing the rain to fall

i had no other choice but to force separation

i am too afraid to try again, too afraid of things falling back into those imperfect places, afraid we'd hurt each other again
afraid to crumble a heart that's already into pieces

do you know how hard it is to piece together a heart that is fragmented

what an emotional and grueling task it is... let's not mention the tears falling that make this process ever more Straining

i didn't want to at all, even when i was terribly mad at you

want to walk away, but there were no options

and i broke your heart so bad, it was better for you that i started to...

Run.

As fast as i could even though it would suck so bad being alone

a Paper Heart

I leaned over to wrap my arm around comfort

and instead turn to see my bleeding heart

There it is on the pillow beside me...

crushed and pumping with struggle

Though I try to heal it and bring it some comfort my fear remains

I lose my confidence and faith that it will survive

Comfort of words and even that brand new First Aid kit does nothing for this